Happy Due Date

Our first due date came and went this past week. I knew it was coming up, and then somehow it slipped past. And I'm okay with that. I looked back on everything that has happened in the past nine months, all of the things that probably wouldn't have happened if we would have had the baby still. Jordan and I have both grown in our careers, and as employees. We made the decision to move into a bigger place. We decided to finally get a dog. Every step has been in the right direction. I'm not going to tell you it's been easy. For a while, for a good long while, every day was a struggle. When our second loss happened it all just became numbing. But life kept going, as it does. We learned to live our lives differently, to embrace this extra time and use it to grow as individuals. It has definitely been an eye opening experience. Having a baby was something I took for granted, something I thought would easily happen again when we were ready. Now we know better. 

Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive through all of this! We really do have the greatest family and friends :)

Happy Due Date Baby Pike

08/25/13

 

National Infertility Awareness Week {Join the Movement}

I never thought I'd be writing about this. I had a baby. I had an unplanned, uneventful, wonderful first child pregnancy. I was 19. I assumed because it had happened once, it would happen again.

Fast forward four years. We are happily married, starting exciting careers, finally getting on top of our finances. We decided to start trying. I was surprised at how long it took to get pregnant. (but in all honesty it wasn't long at all) We tried for five months before we got pregnant. It was a couple of weeks before Christmas. We were so excited. We couldn't wait to tell everyone, but we knew we had to wait. Just for the off chance we had a miscarriage. We waited, week after week after week. Second trimester was right around the corner. We starting planning how we would tell everyone. And then one day, 10 weeks in, we weren't pregnant anymore. We had a miscarriage.

In that moment, everything, everything changed. An entire lifetime planned out, and it was gone. I didn't know how badly it would hurt. I felt the biggest void. How do you move past it?

Time. Time is how you heal.

We knew we weren't ready to try again. It was too soon, too raw. But, we got pregnant again. It happened, against all odds, we were to have our baby afterall. Everything I had read said not to worry about miscarriages again. Having one didn't increase the chances of having another. We were still cautious, still very scared. And then one day, 5 weeks in, we weren't pregnant anymore. We had another one. The second time around we weren't as emotional invested. It never seemed real.

When I was little, around the same age as my daughter is now, I used to beg my parents for a brother or sister. I wanted one so badly. All of my cousins and friends all had siblings. I just couldn't understand why I didn't get to have one too. Every birthday, every coin thrown into a fountain, every Christmas, I would ask for the same thing. My parents, they would avoid the topic.

Story asks all the time when the new baby will come. We never told her about any of them, but its just something she's set on. She wants twins, and boy baby and a girl baby. She will then show me how she will hold them and feed them and where they can sleep in her room (it's normally in the closet) She doesn't understand the immense pain each question brings. In her mind, its not a big deal and she's a little mad it hasn't happened yet.

I don't think we are infertile. I don't think it's hopeless. I know it's only twice and that our struggle is miniscule compared to so many others. But it's also not nothing. There is a problem. Something that will have to be fixed if we ever want to have another baby. I know it's me. I know that I am going to have to be the one to make the biggest change. I am the one with the disease. While we were trying to get pregnant the first time I researched Celiac's Disease and found that it does cause infertility. I didn't take in to account the effects it has on carrying a baby full term.  This is our fertility struggle. We don't seem to have a problem getting pregnant, we have a problem staying pregnant.

So this is my sadness. Not that we can't get pregnant. But that we did, twice. It's so hard not to think about the babies that would have been. To imagine what would be happening at this moment. How different every day would be.

Memorial necklace -Distinctly Ivy

http://www.resolve.org/infertility-overview/what-is-infertility/
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html

another loss

We had another miscarriage. It was at 5 weeks. I know it's not the same as last time, but it's not nothing either. We had known about this pregnancy for 4 days. We weren't trying for another baby. We weren't ready. But it happened, and then this happened again.

I'm not okay. But I will be. I just need time I guess.

Our Loss

This is my second attempt at writing this post. The first was really sad and negative. That's not what I want to share. I want to share the truth, but in a way that is best for all.

We suffered a miscarriage a little over a week ago. We were 9 weeks 5 days. We had been trying to get pregnant for a few months prior. We were really excited about this pregnancy and as you can imagine just as equally devastated when it ended. It's been a rough week. But we are slowly healing. We're finding normal again. A normal that doesn't involve the baby we thought.

I had a few projects to share on here. Most of which were baby related. We're taking a step back and replanning things now. The same with the WIW posts.

We are going through a tough time, but something that so many others have experienced before. We're mostly just learning how to move on after a loss. 

 We are doing alright. We're getting through it. We are taking this new found time and using it to better ourselves, and our family.

Casey Leigh