-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm afraid of all the normal things. You know, like heights, cockroaches (omg, don't even get me started.....) accidents, natural disasters. All of the things we've been taught to fear. Most of them rightly so.
I'm afraid of wasting my entire life, and never meeting the goals I set for myself. The older I get the more I realized the goals I set as a child and teen were out of reach. After having Story, getting married, and working full time, my goals changed. They're not much, but they are there. And I'm so afraid that I will not get there. That all of our hard work will amount to nothing. Irrational? Yes. Still there? Yes
This one is new, but I'm very afraid of never having another child. I look back through the photos of Story as an infant and I am filled with such gratitude that I was able to experience something so wonderful. It also fills me with such longing and despair that I can barely breathe. I don't want that to be the only time. I want Jordan to go through it with me. I don't want to deny him this experience.
I'm afraid of losing my happiness. I feel like it's slipping away even though I am desperately trying to keep a hold of it. I'm afraid of how negative all of my posts sound. Because even though I feel everything I do, I'm not sad all the time. I feel like I'm losing my grip and I'm terrified of how that will impact the rest of my family.
Posts
Everything you are feeling is so natural. Those feelings come from a very loving heart that knows what the important things are in life, has experienced not having them, and fears will lose them now that you have them. If we didn't feel those intense feelings (or admit we do) then what's the point of all the hard work we put into each day? Yes, painful things happen and unfortunately most of the time they are out of our control. I think it's the lack of control that most of us fear. ("I wanted it this way....but it's not, I thought it would be like this...but it's different, I want my future to be exactly like this.....probably not exactly.) Logical questions that to most of us should have logical answers as long as we do exactly what we think we should do. But what I have learned is that no matter who we are, what we do, how much we love, how hard we try...the world has an influence on those things we think we should have done or the way things should be.
ReplyDeleteWell...before I get lost into myself here...I am simply telling you to stop worrying about whether or not you will achieve your goals....goals never stay the same. Being successful is learning how to adapt your goals to fit your happiness. And from where I'm sitting you have all the makings of a beautiful, successful, very young family. Try to sit back (doing just what you're doing)and look in on your life and realize...you are right where you're suppose to be.... When you relax, enjoy and be proud of your accomplishments.....that's when the unexpected "gifts of life" will arrive. Love you......
I hear ya. Just got another BFN a couple hours ago and I definitely have that same fear about never having another child. So scary.
ReplyDeleteAbiding with you in this...
I'm so sorry you're having to go through that. I can't even imagine. I don't think I would be able to handle trying again at this point. Not for a while atleast.
Delete